The individual is created by society, but she has the power to make her own decisions and the responsibility to present herself to society as a positive, creative force. Her ability to make decisions that will guide the events of her life in the way that she wishes depends on her access to information and to communication. If she has an understanding of the objective realities of the world, she has a framework within which to make decisions. Her ability to communicate with other members of society gives her a means by which to work towards ends. Her ability to work towards these ends is inhibited by the negative drives inside of her, which compel her to act in destructive ways. Nevertheless, she has the responsibility to use information and communication in a positive way. In order to do that, she must mannage her personal drives so that they do not pollute her action in society. The management of personal negative drives entails a reflective questioning of personal decisions and emotions. A person must actively attempt to create and act without being corrupted by her drives. The individual’s responsibility to be a creative, positive force in society is based on the collective desire of the members of a society that the society itself function as a creative and safe community. The ability of the individual to repress her own negative desires is crucial to the function of a good society because it allows her to function in society as a positive, creative force and it allows society to do the same because it is not busy managing the bad behavior of individuals.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sarah Y's first paragraph
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Sarah -
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I like that you used "she" instead of the classic "he." It gives your paper a fresh sound right away.
As far as your thesis goes, I think it is a strong argument, but needs some definition. What are negative desires? How are they negative? Are they regular desires that have just become excessive (too much food, etc), or are they unique and bad? How do these play out in society? Not all of these answers will fit in your first paragraph, but they should be answered in your paper.
Also, what do you mean by a "good" society? Do you mean an effective one, an efficient one, a moral one? I think it's a solid argument and will be relatively easy to prove (especially with locke - lack of civil freedom = more intellectual freedom).
As far as your paragraph, the sentences follow a very logical path, to the point of being boring. The people who are reading your paper are not simple, and I think some of this you can eliminate and replace with definitions of "good" and "negative desires." You also might want to think about replacing some of the "she"s with "the individual," it can get a little confusing at the beginning with repeated use of "she."
This is a good start! Best of luck with your paper. I think it will turn out quite well.
Two things:
ReplyDeleteFirst: Give your reader some assurance that you will develop a theory of the subject that includes the idea of the free agency of the subject and the limits determined by internal and external factors.
Second: I also think you need to directly address the question of power in the first paragraph so that your reader understands the relevance of the paper to the topic of the class.
This is a great first paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI have literally NO idea what Jamie's "first" means, but as for the second (and I don't actually matter as much as Jamie does, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me), it seems like the power you're talking about is personal power: power to suppress desires/control how you act in the world even if you can't totally control how the world acts on you. Is that what you were getting at?
My suggestions: I feel like the idea that "Her ability to make decisions that will guide the events of her life in the way that she wishes depends on her access to information and to communication." Is pretty important in the paragraph. I'm glad it's there, but I'm unsure why it's not in your thesis. Okay, maybe it doesn't have to be in your thesis, because I really like your thesis, but just remember that it's important.
My question is this: you use the word "creative" a lot. You say that the individual should function as a "creative force." What does this mean? Why creative? I'm assuming this doesn't mean that she's supposed to be good at art; you're probably talking about her ability to come up with new ideas and work through life's challenges, but if that's what you mean, you have to say that, because I'm not at all sure that I'm right, there, that's just a guess. If that's going to be part of your thesis, you need to define it.
I agree with almost all of what Natalie said, just so you know, so I'm not going to rewrite it here, just know she's not the only one who thinks it. I do not, however, agree that your paragraph is to linear and easy to follow. That's a good thing--something that I appreciated about your paragraph. I wouldn't change it.
Hope I was helpful. Ask if you have questions. Good luck!
-Kathryn
Sarah--Some of what I would say Kathryn and Jamie already discussed...this is a really rich, provocative argument.
ReplyDeleteI think you can clean up the writing a bit here...I know it is a first draft so no worries, but you do need to work in how power is related to all this. This is ALL about power, and you do implicitly get to that, but this is ALL about power. Also, we have heard from several thinkers about mastery of desire, you should clarify what you mean. Do you mean it in a Platonic sense where we should use logic to overpower our animalistic drives? Do you mean it in a Freudian way? Nietzsche also discussed this...so did the Tao and the monk who visited.
How do you define negative desires vs. positive ones? who gets to define this?
Can you also clarify the agency of the individual in your argument? You say that society/power structures create individuals, and you say that individuals can should shape society and power structures. How does this all work? At what point does an individual gain the ability to shape society, and then HOW will she know what to do?
"The ability of the individual to repress her own negative desires is crucial to the function of a good society because it allows her to function in society as a positive, creative force and it allows society to do the same because it is not busy managing the bad behavior of individuals."
This thesis basically answers all my questions...but in a vague way. Just be a little more clear how all these parts work and I think you are all set!
First: Give your reader some assurance that you will develop a theory of the subject that includes the idea of the free agency of the subject and the limits determined by internal and external factors.
ReplyDeleteJamie means:
Make sure that your first paragraph indicates that somewhere later on in your paper that you will talk about the nature of the individual including how the individual determines the limits of her free will/agency for action and the ways in which the individual's ability to act on her free will is limited both by herself (biology?) and by the external factors of the world (concepts of morality/law/etc...).
Yes?
Also, yes, you need to develop a sense of the judgment you create between positive and negative desires. What do these words mean? Is there an objective or subjective definition?
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback, everyone!
ReplyDeleteI actually knew what Jamie was talking about because he and I had talked about it earlier. How exactly should I indicate that, though? Just raise the question?
I'm interested in making information a bigger part of my paper--Kathryn, I think you're right that it should be included in the thesis.
Dan, do you think I need to make those things clearer in my thesis, or in that first paragraph, or is later in the paper OK?
Jamie, when you say that I need to directly address the question of power, do you mean that I need to explicitly name/describe (which one?) power's role in the dynamic I'm describing?
What do you all think about the flow of the paragraph? Natalie and Kathryn had different feelings about this and I'm wondering how the rest of you feel.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Sarah
Sarah -
ReplyDeleteAs far as your paragraph goes, I think it is incredibly linear, which is a good thing, but maybe TOO linear. I think if you address some of these questions in there it will provide more interest and you'll be just fine. Let me know if you have any other questions!